I’m writing to you right now because I can, and that’s a blessing in and of itself.
I’m writing to you because Abba is a healer and the restorer of all things.
This morning I woke with pain, confusion, anger, sadness,
feelings of lack, feelings of incompetence, feelings of hopelessness.
I sat up, (breathe), contemplated the day ahead:
“You have to go to class. You have to go to class.”
“No, you don’t. Lie down here. Rest.”
Five times the battle, then I did as I was told. I “rested…”
Except this was no rest; this was talking, dissuading, feeling all things wrong…
There was no joy this morning.
(Freeze). I froze.
and then I knew I needed help.
But Abba already knew…
To sleep He put me. Then rest I did, and dream I did, and I woke with a motivation to move –
one I did not prompt of my own accord.
>> That voice threatened to claim my accord. It would’ve had me lie there forever, curtains closed, stomach growling, mind dreaming of things it claimed I’d never be able to have. The voice would’ve liked me to waste away, aiming to spite those who’d hurt me. This, then, was the battle for my accord.
But Abba has all might.
He intervened, and today He brought me friends. He taught me to dial their numbers, to reach out for help, to give up my pride, and to let Him guide me.
So thank you to Alexis, who flew by my side and sat with me once Abba had told me to rise. Thank you to Martha, whose sweet words were as near to my heart as our friendship has become. Thank you to Anna, who spoke truth and life into me with consistency, power, and tenderness. Thank you to my friends for obeying my Father’s voice.
Now through my veins courses the Spirit of redemption; the Spirit of the Helper, who snatches me from the pits without my consent…who grabs my hand like a parent does a child’s, and leads me from the strangers who promise fulfillment and a smile.
It is as if He is the cure, and His immediate exposure – though I never specifically asked – caused a joy and peace (neither being my own) to become part of my existence and part of today’s events. I walked, I smiled, I ate, I felt the things good; and I have no explanation other than the presence and all-pervading power of Jesus Christ.
I’ll take my moments one day at a time. As of right now I am happy, because He has never left me nor forsaken me. He is with me here, still, hearing me and creating me. He has a plan and a purpose, and regardless of my occasional discomfort with His timing, I know beyond all doubt that “no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11). And I seek to follow Him; therefore, I assume that my posture is one that mirrors His.
So I cling to my verse – the one that is the anthem through my darkness – and recite it over and over again (in my head and spirit, where the battle is fought) when I cannot think of words of my own to speak to Him:
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you…