It’s insanely hilarious and ridiculously disheartening how quickly all of my knowledge and wisdom and understanding can turn into a pile of mush on the ground – nothingness, irrelevant, and ignored.
One day, I am overflowing with love for Him and for people. One day, I conquer mountains and cross parted seas; I trample doubt and speak boldly against Fear and her friend Complacency.
–Insert one incident. One small, minute thing that triggers the downfall of an empire, the rumbles of an avalanche, the tremors of an earthquake. Come, on, you can find it: just one thing that reminds me of my incompetence, my lack of faith, my ability to be easily replaced within a matter of months… —
There you go. Good. And now it is the Next day, and I am drowning in my own self-hatred, projecting my self-disgust onto the people I love most, care about most – or, should I say, those who care about me. Love me. Stand by me.
To them I say, “You are foolish. You are a foolish idiot whom I love dearly and I need you to – ”
(ah, need. Because “need” is a word and it implies that I have come to appreciate your assistance, you and your pride-squashing love must be eliminated)
” – and I need you to stand very far away. But please don’t. Also, I’m sorry that you’re being punished for the things I find wrong with myself. In my defense, you were stupid to say that you love me. And, if we’re being honest about my self-questions, how far do I trust you?”
Today is a day of disappointment, all directed at myself. Today, I look blankly (or sometimes smilingly! It depends) at the world, but do not mistake that for disinterest. No, it is merely isolation.
“Hello, Self. You don’t want to be alone, do you?”
“No, you know I do not.”
“Great! Wonderful! Let’s make sure that you will feel it, even in the midst of the most non-lonely company we have found!”
“I would rather not.”
“And yet, you will.”
“Yes, I will.”
It’s Thursday, and to be honest, I don’t even remember when Sunday started.